A Guide To Surviving Work Hungover The Way Lesley Knope Would
Being hungover at work is literally the worst thing that will ever happen to you. However, if you digest these handy tips and keep them down, they may help you survive the day…maybe.
1. Hint at the suspicion of food poisoning.
If you feel like you won’t last the day, hint at a little food poisoning. Causally mention to a colleague in the morning that you had some dodgy chicken last night. It will help explain the constant visits to the bathroom.
2. Always vomit in the disabled toilets.
If this is an option, always pick the disabled toilets. They are spacious and sometimes separate from the other toilets. You need all the separation possible to hide your violent upheaval of what you consumed the night before.
3. Search for the nearest McMuffin.
Get that McBreakfast down you as soon as possible. It will be greasy and disgusting and it will be the best thing about your whole day.
4. Hide the fact that you are probably still drunk.
People can still function whilst drunk to a certain degree. Just look at Jessica Simpson. If you still think you are drunk, make sure you take the bus to work. Drunk people on buses are the best form of entertainment. You can make a whole busload of people happy.
5. Stay hydrated.
Get those fluids in you ASAP.
6. Coffee…even if you are not a coffee drinker…coffee.
This is not the day to stick to green tea. You need the coffee in you as soon as humanly possible, or coke (a-cola), coke will do a similar thing.
For the love of good gravy you must always overdress. It is a dead give away that you are hungover if you turn up in flip flops and overalls. Even if you have to dose yourself in deodorant and wear what your were wearing out last night.
8. Don’t use big words in meetings.
Avoid all big words in meeting. In fact, avoid the little words as well. There is a 90% chance you will struggle to pronounce “statistics” and everybody will boo you out of the room. Just nod and smile and occasionally say, “I concur”.
9. Don’t reminisce.
Don’t reminisce about the things you said when you were drunk. You cannot take back the fact that you told your best friend’s boyfriend that he could have you at any time. That never happened…and if it did…then you are a bad person.
10. This is not the day talk to your boss.
Even if you need to ask your boss for bereavement leave, this is not the day to do it. Don’t throw any emotional or important conversations into the mix. Agree with everything they say. EVERYTHING.
11. Pep Talk Pep Talk Pep Talk.
Take yourself off to the bathroom and give yourself a nice little pep talk. It’s just like any other day. Except for the fact that you feel like you are dying and that possibly death would be better than this hangover.
12. Get help from outside the office.
This is when your BFF comes in handy. Get them to check up on you throughout the day. If they are worth their weight in gold, they will flee their workplace, pick you up and play hooky with you for the rest of the day.
13. No adventures.
Stay in one place. Don’t venture off to another part of the building. You will just get lost and won’t be able to find your way back. Unless your mission is to find the nearest vending machine. Then it’s allowed, and encouraged.
14. Don’t threaten the co-workers.
You feel sick, the inside of your mouth tastes like an ashtray, and you do not have enough Advil circulating your bloodstream. Do not let these be the reason that you snap at your co-workers when they ask if you jammed the printer.
15. Respond to questions like a normal person.
That is all.
16. Hair of the dog.
Even though you have repeatedly sworn off alcohol throughout the day, by the time 5pm rolls around, you may just feel like a vino or two. This is not the worst idea in the world.