9 Things More Boring Than Watching Paint Dry

4. Slow Wi-Fi.

Slow Wi-Fi is worse than no Wi-Fi because it doesn’t tease you with the prospect of Wi-Fi when there is no Wi-Fi! You may as well go read a book or…go watch paint dry because at least you know what you’re going to get. While you’re watching paint dry you can think about what’s going wrong with your Wi-Fi, how to sort out Europe’s refugee problem and what is the meaning of life – the answer’s 42 if you’re wondering.

5. Watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians on loop.

God help the poor soul who is made to endure this form of cruel and unusual punishment. Are there any two words more frightening in the English language than “Kardashian marathon” unless the family is being made to run 26 miles and then we would definitely watch the hell out of that – all 26 glorious miles.

6. Gwyneth Paltrow.

Paltrow and ex-husband Chris Martin have two kids called Apple and Moses and the two also decided to call divorce ‘conscious uncoupling’. This alone should make you want to walk the other way when the actress approaches you asking where the nearest organic fruit store is. This American native dared to be critical on the great country that birthed and raised her when she said: “We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature—all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe.” What’s wrong with asking about your jeans Gwyneth? Are you ashamed of your jeans? Perhaps you’re upset about their level of juiciness!?