12 People Who Would Make Great Pets For Aliens
With all that real estate out there in space, there must be a highly evolved, intelligent life form just waiting to trip over our planet on its way to work. Here are 12 humans who will make perfect pets for aliens when they come a calling.
1. Shameless wannabe celebrities.
These are the kind of people that would do anything for five seconds of internet fame, or beat another woman to death for Taylor Swift tickets.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? They will need some people for their human death matches.
2. People that can rough it.
If you can fall asleep while being wrapped around a bike rack, then you can live on an alien planet.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? You don’t want your pets to become too pampered. Give your drunken bike rack sleepers a bottle of scotch and they will make any situation work.
Farmers are total doers. They can imagine nothing worse than sitting on their butts and letting a day go to waste without putting a little bit of elbow grease into it.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? The farmers will probably be put to work in the mines because of their durability and can-do attitude. Can’t hurt to have one of these around your pod/home either.
Professors and teachers hold the keys to the collective history of mankind from where we started. Up until now.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? To be a responsible pet owner is to know your animal. Are they happy? Are they sad? Why did they just take a dump in your shoe? These are important questions that only a qualified professor can answer.
5. Prison inmates.
Prison inmates spend nearly all of their time behind bars and as such, they would probably be grateful for a life that doesn’t involve worrying about the dude in cell block D, who’s totally been throwing shade.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? Just like the people who can rough it, prison inmates are kept in cramped spaces most of the time, are used to a routine and would probably enjoy going to a good home.
6. Extreme athletes.
These people are just looking for the next high, the next rush that’s going to make life worth living.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? Going to live on an alien planet is definitely a different experience and surviving the harsh conditions is going to satisfy their ‘living life on the edge’ lifestyle. All in all, this makes for a happy pet.
7. Those with a very particular set of skills.
If you’re that guy that can wow everyone at a party with your amazing party tricks, then an alien race wants you!
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? These people can show off their party tricks to the alien’s friends at parties who will jump for joy at how clever humans are. After a while though, these ‘one trick pony’ humans will get boring and will get discarded faster than a toy monkey that sings the Macarena.
8. Substance abusers.
There are some people on this planet that have abused themselves far more than an alien race could ever do, their bodies are a rollercoaster of excess and to be honest, they probably don’t have much longer to live anyway.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? These people have probably already terraformed their bodies to suit the conditions of an alien planet better than anyone else ever could.
9. Obsessed movie fans.
The guy that snuck out of school for a day so he could be in the right frame of mind to watch Ferris Bueller’s Day off is just the man the aliens want as a pet.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? If you were an alien, you would want your pet to be able to entertain you and what’s more entertaining than a guy whose head contains thousands of stories? Every night before bed, these humans can entertain the little ones – Star Wars is probably their favorite story.
10. Masters of the elements.
Tony has been running in the mountains of Tibet surrounded by Buddhist monks, trying to push his body and his mind all at the same time.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? They exist on a higher plane than the rest of us…man.
11. This guy who won American Ninja Warrior.
Like a hamster on a wheel, or a mouse in a maze trying to find cheese, humans are fascinated with putting lower life forms through circus like activities for our perverse enjoyment. If you were a more evolved alien life form, you’d totally want an American Ninja Warrior for a pet. All you’d need to do is wind him up and watch him go.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? To be honest, humans would want this guy as a pet as well. You could construct any obstacle or tell him to “jump that car over there” and he would totally do it, providing hours of entertainment.
You wouldn’t just want any actor, you would want a method actor, who is more ‘multiple personality disorder’ than he is actually faking it.
Why a highly evolved alien race would want them? Multiple pets for the price of one.